Missing Allah

When the night runs late, my ocean of thoughts wander in the darkness of the night, my thought flies towards a hard grave, a pile of red, cold dirt, the earth’s stomach that would be my resting place one day, inside it nothing else but worms and insects the corpse eater, my body would never be able to get rid of those creatures that would gnaw off my body and make it their nest to lay their eggs. How defenseless this body is, my friends would leave me, my wife and children would leave me, my parents would leave me, all the people that I know would forget me, they don’t want to die with me, they don’t want to know what else would happen to me in my grave, they don’t want to, even to simply get rid of the worms that gnaw off my body, they don’t care anymore that my body would eventually be rotten, until it is destroyed and stinky, and becomes only bones, and then it would be disappeared and become dirt, where would I go? my spirit would fly away to answer the call from my Creator.

O’ Allah, no one but You, You are The One who would get rid of those insects from my body, You will guard my body that goes into the Earth’s stomach, You will listen to my heart’s cry of missing You, hence kindly hear O’ The Creator of hope, O’ the Creator of all this longing feeling, O’ the Creator of the willingness to cling, I cry the sentence that almost blow my heart and mind now, I don’t have anybody else to cling on but You, to help, to give, to be counted on, to move, to breath, to say, to speak, to listen, to see, to walk, to move, to think, to eat, to drink, to smile, to be happy, to do everything, but You, all that I posses, and that I don’t, all belong to You, my body belongs to You, my food belongs to You, all that I see is Yours, all that I hear is Yours, all that I say is Yours, all my steps are Yours, every breath I take belongs to You, every beat of my heart belongs to You, my feelings are Yours, my longing is Yours, my hopes are Yours, my sadness is Yours, my happiness is Yours, how beautiful that is O’ Allah, because You own me, You hold me, You manage me, You guard me, You protect me, You take care of me, You our on Your gentleness towards me, I miss You O’ Allah, You call me to make me closer towards You O’ Allah.

O’ the Creator of love and compassion in the hearts of all of His servants, You want me to love You O’ Allah.., O’ the Creator of tongue to keep calling the names of His servants, You want me to call Your name O’ Allah, O’ the Creator all the beautiful things in life, the invisible and visible beauty, the beauty that is audible or inaudible, the beauty that can be expressed or not, the beauty that can be felt or not, the beauty that is known or unknown, the beauty that is seen or hidden, all those beauty come from Your beauty O’ Allah, how beautiful You are..., how gentle You are.

Hence O’ The Creator of Beauty, O’ The Creator of Gentleness, O’ The Creator of Love and Compassion, the way You illustrate the beauty of Your creatures, the way You show the gentleness of Your creatures, the way You show the love and compassion of Your creatures, kindly show me Your Beauty O’ Allah, show Your Gentleness O’ Allah.., show Your love and compassion O’ Allah, even though it is only in the form of hopes, or only assumption, or imagination, or longing, or willingness, or simply tears, or gifts, or fantasies, or easiness, or help, as long as I know that it comes from Your gentleness, from Your love and compassion, from Your beauty. How disappointed Your servant here who only have hopes, imagination, fantasies, longing feeling, Your servant who wants to get closer, who is longing for gentleness, longing for guidance, longing for love and compassion, while the assets of all my hopes are only tears. Should he be made disappointed by the One Who Never Creates Disappointment? it would break his heart if his desire is rejected by The One Who Never Rejects Any Desire, it would shatter his love, if his wish to get closer is rejected by the One Who Never Rejects His servants who want to get closer to Him, all of those behaviors wouldn’t be found in Your essence, all of those are not in Your character, all of those are not in Your action, what else that makes me rejected while You are the One Who Always Accept, what else makes me eliminated while You are The One Who Always Embrace, what else makes me left behind, while You are the One Who Make Things Closer, am I wrong to miss You, while You are the Creator of my longing feeling towards You, am I wrong if I want to be closer to You, while You are the Creator of my willingness to get closer to You, am I wrong to feel sink into the ocean of Your Gentleness, while You are the Creator of that feeling inside me.

O’ Allah.., O’ the One who named Himself Allah, O’ the One Who wants His name to be called Allah, O’ the One who wants my tongue to call His Essence with the name of Allah, O’ the One who wants me to expect Him by remembering the name ‘Allah’, O’ the One who creates my tongue to tremble when calling the name of Allah, O’ the One who gives the ability to my fingers to write down the name of Allah.., then with Your wish I call Your name O’ Allah.., with Your wish I miss You O’ Allah.., with Your wish I want to get closer to You O’ Allah, am I wrong to have wish, am I wrong to miss You, am I wrong if I want to get closer to You, while all the shivers in my heart are Your wish O’ Allah?, therefore like You make worms crawl without arms and legs, then make me crawl to You without difficulty, like You make the dirty dog performs tasbih to worship You, then make me the poor sinner long for You, like You make the flowing water frozen, them make my hope run towards You and freeze in front of Your door, like You make the rocky mountain become dust, then make all my mistakes become dust in front of Your Majesty, like You make the strong earth get trampled down, then make my obsessions get trampled down by my longing for You, like You make the charismatic King beaten down and underestimated, them make my arrogance despised by Your Prestige, like You make something move become unmoving, them make my moving body become still from all the things that You don’t allow me to do, like You make all living things disappear, then make this mountain of sins disappear in Your Gentleness, like You make the impossible become possible, then make all my impossibilities to get closer to You become a definite promise.

Last Updated ( Sunday, 14 December 2008 )
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